Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Trying To Feel At Home

Update on Mom moving in with daughter and grandchildren: It's still not home.

So this morning my eight-year-old granddaughter and I got into a tickling match. Giggles, wiggles and fun.

"Stop that," my daughter said clearly putting a damper on our fun. We both stopped and wondered what we had done wrong. Well, we sort of stopped. A little hand came creeping over to get Grammy one more time.

Constantly, we work at this new living situation. This is not something we both wanted but happened by necessity. I am still unemployed. My daughter brings home the income. I do work around the house, pick the girls from school, running to soccer and whatever else is on the schedule and caring for them when Mom works, but I cannot find a place called home.

In my younger years, I remember families where older parents lived with their children. The parent often sat quietly to the side as everyone else interacted. Old women dressed in black sitting waiting, waiting to be told what would happen next. I remember my mother trying to include such people in conversation, but little took place. I wonder if they had just given up. Did they just decide that they were no longer useful? Did they decide that they had said it all and needed to say no more? Did they feel more comfortable retreating instead of interacting?

Now that so many of my parents' generation are gone, I realize that I never really knew them. I never asked their stories or appreciated their past. I was so busy living that I didn't notice. Now it is too late. I can only glean their history from old letters and diaries. The moments of crazy tickling and soothing of tears never happened.

Where am I going with this? I am no longer in 'my' home. My relationship with my grandchildren is changing. For the better? I'm not sure yet. We no longer have our special times and place. I sometimes feel that our relationship is censored. No more sleepovers. No more noisy fun. I often feel like a visitor.

I work hard to have an open mind and to be a person who can change and grow from each experience. I believe that positive offsets negative every time. I am trying. I am working on a new relationship with my daughter. I am still holding on to the me I am. Yet sometimes sitting in a chair watching the world go by sounds might good.

Trying to feel at home at home.