Thursday, December 17, 2009

Sow the Seeds

I apologize for the spotty posting. The blogs will probably miss a day or so here and there until after the wedding in Jan. My apologies. I love to write and miss days that I do not. Babysitting tomorrow and hanging at the school for last day activities before Christmas break. No blog on Friday.

Mom and Dad, forgive me for all the times I did not understand you. Forgive me for all the times I criticized you. Forgive me for all the times I thought I knew what was best for you. Forgive me for being a child who was thoughtless and selfish.

It is no easier being an adult child than it is being a parent. The dynamics change. For some reason, we as children think we know what is right for our parents….for the rest of family. Maybe it is the way we grow up. Maybe it was something evolving over generations and no one saw it happening.

I know that I was short with my parents and lacked patience. They lived such a different life from what I was living. They were growing older, and I hated to see it happen. I wanted to hold back time. They probably did, too. I didn’t come from a family who talked. We didn’t learn to work together for resolution. No one talked or someone yelled.

I work with my granddaughters teaching them to cooperate, to disagree peacefully and to find resolutions together. I tell them when I am wrong and ask forgiveness. I try to see what is happening when one of them is upset, so I know the way to approach them without reproach. I try to lift them up not only when they are successful but also when they manage to work through difficulty and sometimes fail. I do my best to listen to them not only with my ears but also with my heart. Their lives aren’t about me.

It’s difficult as a parent watching your children make mistakes and keeping your mouth shut. I fail constantly. I was the end of that part of my family history that handled things the wrong way. I’m trying desperately to make changes that will echo in generations to come. I suffer the mistakes I have made and cannot complain. I learned. I learn. But sometimes they just hurt.

I wish I had done things differently with my parents. I wish I’d more conversations with them asking more about them, having compassion for them as they aged and hurt, being there for them when they suffered loss. We reap what we sow. Sometimes we sow from ignorance.

In the years I have left in my life, I shall go forward with good intent and a wisdom that comes from a life of learning.

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