Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Finding My Own Skin

The costume changes were easy. There were none. The only thing that changed was the cast of character. Of which there was only.....one.

During the years of my life I became a chameleon changing my persona to meet the needs of what I thought was needed to survive. It began when I was a shy child, trying to be what my parents wanted me to be. During my years in school, I tried to blend in with the others. I didn't want to stand out, be 'different'. I never felt comfortable in my own skin.

Once I went to college and to work, I found myself struggling to find out what I should be. I didn't feel good wearing my farm girl skin. I didn't know where to go from there when faced with campus and city life. I was lost, trying to mimic what I should be. In my marriage, I followed what I thought were the rules of 'engagement'. The perfect wife with children scrubbed and ready for dad to return from work. The woman who was handy to have around to run the home. The mother who was supposed to know what to do at all times. I failed on all fronts.

The first time in my life that I tried on my own skin, was after my divorce. I wasn't sure what I would find, but inch by inch, I began to like me better than I had ever before. I discovered that I didn't need to please anyone but myself. I found I could try things I'd never tried before and survive failure and embrace success. I needed to figure out who I had been my entire life.

Slowly I began to put together all of the insecurities I had felt in my younger years. I knew why my marriages had failed. I saw the mistakes I had made in raising my children. But most of all I discovered my own skin.

Should I go back and do it all over again in the same day and age, I would have probably do it all the same. I like this new generation who dress as they please. I love that classes are offered for children with all sorts of interests.Now I would look for a man who would be my partner and not the head of the house. I would pursue my 'untried' interests and perhaps a career.

I like remembering who I was, because it has made me who I am. There is something to be said for being a wise old sage.

No comments:

Post a Comment