Monday, May 30, 2011

What I Do Not Know

I am boggled by what I do not know. If I focus on it long, I could be massively overwhelmed. I have no answers for life....only questions. I am no sage when it comes to raising kids or helping with grandkids. I have a pretty full plate. I am part genetic make up, part past experiences, part pain, part love, part the observer and part the child. I am so many parts that I can't keep up with the parts. Put them all together and I might just be a mess.....or I might be a person who tries and sometimes fails.

There is no substitute for the inner voice. When I was in counseling, the counselor asked me often if my heart hurt. Looking down I noticed my hand pressed against my chest. At other times my throat became so clogged with swelling that I could hardly talk.

"Put your hand on your throat," he said. "Just allow yourself to feel and be soothed by the warmness of your hand."

My warm hand was soothing the child in me, the parent in me, the grandma in me and the spiritual me. You'd think I'd weigh a ton with all of those people in me. Instead I just carry them around until they call to me perhaps by a pain in the heart or tightness in my throat.

"I didn't know that hurt," I said to him. "So is that why these things happen? My body is talking to me?"

He explained that my inner self knows what maybe I don't realize. It recalls when I cannot. It studies while I live. It waits until I understand, so I can learn from it.

I call that inner voice God. That inner voice that has opened doors for me. The inner voice that will not allow me to experience pain alone. That voice that allows me to see beyond myself.

I do not have the answers for grandparenting or parenting. I do not have answers for anyone else. I am on a journey learning about a woman, a past, a present. I am a woman growing a bit older learning about herself in her mirror. Sometimes my best is not enough. Sometimes it falls short not just for myself but for others. I know when it does that they have an ache in their chest or a tightness in the throat.

I am humbled by what I do not know.

2 comments:

  1. The challenge is living in the Unknowing, the Mystery, with some grace and gratitude. I love your honesty!

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