Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Whose Voice?????

A grandparent's voice. Shhhhhh. Don't be telling me what it is because I'm finding it for myself.

My 'gp' voice began by giving advice. Cooing to babies. I heard it in a child's tale and in a late night answered call with a baby crying in the background.

Later, I heard the voice silently in my head telling me to be quiet.

"Keep your opinions to yourself," I said to myself.

A grandparent's voice.

This morning I had coffee with a friend who is two years older than my daughter.

"I'm the invisible person," I said to her. "Sometimes I think it would be easier if I lived far away."

"I'm scared of my kids," I admitted. 

"I know you are...."

What do you do with life learning? Where do you tuck it when no one asks about it? What do you talk about if no one cares what you say? If I say something wrong, a cold shoulder or battle ensues. Golly, what in the heck is a grandparent's voice? Could someone tell me?!?!?

I remember my mother pushing my buttons when I was a young mother. We never seemed to find a safe venue in which we were both comfortable to talk. I was determined to do things my way. She didn't know when to stop with the advice. Doors closed and now they can never be opened. She is gone.

I sometimes wonder if old people sit quietly on the sidelines while there families live around them, because no one cares to take time to learn from them. No one cares to hear their voices. Retirement homes are full of seniors just waiting for the next illness or death. What has happened to their voices? Did they just shut down? Did their voices fall on ears that could not or would not hear? Am I just rambling? (more than likely)

What is a grandparent's voice?

I'm not angry at anyone today, and nothing happened to bring on this conversation except for coffee this morning.

"You have always tried to be what your kids want you to be instead of who you are," my friend informed me. "You are wonderful just the way you are."

"I'm trying," I replied.

"I can tell."

Maybe I am just afraid to stand behind that grandmother who has a voice.

I am a grandparent's voice.

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